Recently I’ve been in a strange place mentally. I’ve had deaths in the family, not sure how to react. I’ve been partying, doing things I wanted to never touch again. I’m in a very weird place. I’ve been visibly sad. I was always good at hiding it, but now it’s hard to separate my emotions. I live in a negative environment I can’t get myself out of. I’m struggling internally and I’ve been on the verge of doing reckless things. Thoughts of hurting myself have come rushing back. I know it won’t solve anything, but the thoughts are there. Scenarios keep playing in my head and I’m slowly losing my grip. I had starting smoking cigarettes again out of old habit. Quit the other day cold turkey, because I woke up and could hardly breathe. I’ve had several breakdowns. Some at parties, some alone. I don’t know what’s wrong, though in the back of my mind I do. The past has been in my subconscious a lot, peeking out at random moments. I want to feel numb and maybe that’s why I’ve been so silly lately. I need the torment to stop. I sound dramatic, but this is what it feels like and I’m lost. I’m finally admitting it to myself.